It is sad i can put two aspect of who i am now adays to two events one a very long time ago and the other long enough for it to not fucking matter.

The first one, when i broke my army on a dirt bike, not a major injury, healed quick and clean. but i know that this is a huge event in my life and makes me more afraid to do some of the more dangerous things in life. like perfectly safe things like driving climbing anything even slightly high and getting going at high speeds when i am in control.

The other one evokes me fear of relationships, it all started off so damn poorly a kiss that ended up worse than i could have ever imagined, followed by several months of being an idiot and clinging at straws and then the eventual betrayal by a best friend and the first real heart break of my life. But in the end i really have learned from that to not fall in love until it is a sure thing, and to try and only see what's really there. Also that Colten cannot be trusted with women. i know it's still why i am afraid of putting any sort of move into a relationship because of that fear of rejection/her freaking out over nothing.

These two moments fuck me up everyday i really want to just get passed them, i want to get my drivers and i want to find a real realtionship that i can actually have someone show me affection, and feel mutal care and respect. One is much easier than the next my biggest problem right now is lack of foresight which i know is normal but i have no idea who the person i will be happy with will look like. and this kind of scares me.